The world of jazz education has been blown wide open and rendered irrelevant by this revolutionary new invention. Forget the courses, the books, the practising, paying dues. Introducing…
Improxatin™ ContrixoLydalot-251!
Here’s the science bit… Formulated in a secret Swiss laboratory by our world-class team of neurochemists, necrogeneticists given unique access to the DNA of deceased jazz giants and musicoethologists who study rare cats that swing in the wild, Improxatin™ is the breakthrough we’ve all been longing for. It will revolutionise jazz!
ASK YOURSELF THIS: CAN YOU AFFORD NOT TO TRY IT?
Our test subjects were carefully selected for their lack of musical ability. These guys couldn’t be trusted to hold an instrument the right way up and couldn’t carry a tune in a paper bag. Yet after just a one-month course of Improxatin™, 92% of them had been signed by Blue Note and 179% to Impulse! Just one month changed their lives FOREVER!
That’s right. Say goodbye to years of practising, learning, listening, getting it together at jam sessions. No hustling gigs. No hassle, no frustration. All those wasted years… Just a monthly course of pills as you go about your daily routine, and you will be transformed into a jazz god. Or your money back!*
Available in Parker, Coltrane, Gillespie, Peterson, Ella, Evans and Tyner flavours.
To order your supply, simply send $1,414 to Improxacon LLC, Primostultus House, Delaware WTF. Act now, before the end of April, and we will also send you a complimentary mini course of our renowned confidence boosting hormone supplement, Karismosuckeride™.
The breakthrough came when our laboratory team isolated the genetic marker for hipness and combined it with rare cats’ piss.
Don’t just take our word for it. Rich Dimwitt (saxophonist) said: “Before Improxacon, people would say turnaround and I’d face the back of the stage! Now I sound like Jerry Bergonzi!” April McFool (singer) said: “They used to call me scatty. They’re not laughing anymore! Thank you Improxacon, you’ve well and truly dwee-ahed my diddly-doo.” Dexter Gordon (contacted via Ouija board) said: “Shit. Glad I’m dead.” Elvis added: “Uh-huh.”**
Ivor Lamborghini of respected Wall Street analyst Boiler, Bollocks & Gone, recently tipped Improxacon to rise 10,000% in the next six months! Why not join our investor programme? Contact our finance director Nick O’Really in the Bahamas for details.
Jason Lyon on Music 
I’ll wait for the Tatum.
We’re working on that one – our Zurich labs are having some trouble untangling the RNA strands. Apparently they just won’t stay in one key long enough to be analysed.
Perhaps I could interest you in the Peterson flavour while you wait?
I knew it!!! where can I get a six pack of Improxatin in the new “new improved formula”
with extra “lydian chromatic concept”?
After just two doses I was out on the Street looking to make a deal and get a real low down junk habit! It works and thats all that matters even if my liver is now like the Goodyear blimp and cravings to eat human flesh, I have voices screaming out the approach tritones guide tones so I can concentrate on the Chiquitas; heck I dont even need a horn anymore and hocked it to get more Improxatin with extra Boogie and just scat until “the voices” stop. Its great.
Thanks for your interest Mr Phalange. We have been working on a Lydian Chromatic variant, but the estate of George Russell are very proprietorial about licencing his toenail clippings, so isolating the DNA component is on hold for the moment. One of our researchers did attempt to read his book but concluded that he couldn’t be bothered to get past page 23.
We are also hoping to do a Jacob Collier flavour (Microtonin, trademark reserved), but he so far hasn’t responded to our requests and his hairdresser has served us with a cease and desist order. Sadly, these people are holding back progress but our attorneys are working night and day.
Our existing formulae have since been updated with added Guaparana, a herbal extract that studies have shown to increase the attractiveness of lazy obese squirrels to young and beautiful lady squirrels by up to 69%.
We’re having to regulate the dosage though, as an official review showed that seven of ten squirrels died within six months of orgasm-related heart failure (which the FDA seems to think is a problem) and most of the baby squirrels that resulted turned out to be A&R execs (which everyone agrees is a problem)..
From the desk of Improxatin CEO B.S.McGrift.