!!!The Secret of Jazz!!!

The world of jazz education has been blown wide open and rendered irrelevant by this revolutionary new invention. Forget the courses, the books, the practising, paying dues. Introducing…

Improxatin™ ContrixoLydalot-251!

Here’s the science bit… Formulated in a secret Swiss laboratory by our world-class team of neurochemists, necrogeneticists given unique access to the DNA of deceased jazz giants and musicoethologists who study rare cats that swing in the wild, Improxatin™ is the breakthrough we’ve all been longing for. It will revolutionise jazz!

ASK YOURSELF THIS: CAN YOU AFFORD NOT TO TRY IT?

Our test subjects were carefully selected for their lack of musical ability. These guys couldn’t be trusted to hold an instrument the right way up and couldn’t carry a tune in a paper bag. Yet after just a one-month course of Improxatin™, 92% of them had been signed by Blue Note and 179% to Impulse! Just one month changed their lives FOREVER!

That’s right. Say goodbye to years of practising, learning, listening, getting it together at jam sessions. No hustling gigs. No hassle, no frustration. All those wasted years… Just a monthly course of pills as you go about your daily routine, and you will be transformed into a jazz god. Or your money back!*

Available in Parker, Coltrane, Gillespie, Peterson, Ella, Evans and Tyner flavours.

To order your supply, simply send $1,414 to Improxacon LLC, Primostultus House, Delaware WTF. Act now, before the end of April, and we will also send you a complimentary mini course of our renowned confidence boosting hormone supplement, Karismosuckeride™.

The breakthrough came when our team isolated the genetic marker for swing.

The breakthrough came when our laboratory team isolated the genetic marker for hipness and combined it with rare cats’ piss.

Don’t just take our word for it. Rich Dimwitt (saxophonist) said: “Before Improxacon, people would say turnaround and I’d face the back of the stage! Now I sound like Jerry Bergonzi!” April McFool (singer) said: “They used to call me scatty. They’re not laughing anymore! Thank you Improxacon, you’ve well and truly dwee-ahed my diddly-doo.” Dexter Gordon (contacted via Ouija board) said: “Shit. Glad I’m dead.”  Elvis added: “Uh-huh.”**

Ivor Lamborghini of respected Wall Street analyst Boiler, Bollocks & Gone, recently tipped Improxacon to rise 10,000% in the next six months! Why not join our investor programme? Contact our finance director Nick O’Really in the Bahamas for details.

*Subject to terms and conditions as available on request after purchase. The standard of your jazz playing may rise or fall, and Improxacon is not in any way liable for the results, no way, no how. Should be taken with pinch of salt. Refunds only granted if submissions include full details for all bank accounts, maiden name of mother, all relevant passwords and security questions and, basically, your arse on a plate. Or you could just practise, I suppose.
** Yes he’s dead, people. Get over it.
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Posted in c) Musicianship, d) The Dark Art of Marketing, e) Rants & Ramblings
2 comments on “!!!The Secret of Jazz!!!
  1. Adam acole says:

    I’ll wait for the Tatum.

    • Jason says:

      We’re working on that one – our Zurich labs are having some trouble untangling the RNA strands. Apparently they just won’t stay in one key long enough to be analysed.
      Perhaps I could interest you in the Peterson flavour while you wait?

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We play every month at Toulouse Lautrec in Kennington, South London.

Fri Dec 22nd 9pm, £15 (£9 adv)
JLT feat Tom Ridout sax & recorder 

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